The Western Path

The Western Path

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Coffee Is Good for You

My life has been in a terrible rut for years, and the only thing that seems to help is coffee. When I increase my dosage of caffeine, however, I end up with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). I can talk at high speed for hours, commit several murders, get hauled off to the police station, and wonder why everyone is staring at me. Not bad for such an inexpensive beverage.

I nearly always drink only coffee that I’ve made myself, with my coffee-maker machine. The instructions say to add one tablespoon of ground coffee for each cup you want to make. But I’ve found that it’s amazing how much coffee can be added to a tablespoon, if you do it slowly and don’t let any fall off the spoon.

Perhaps another name for ADHD is logorrhea -- talking fast and non-stop. Yes, it’s quite a drug. And besides that, if you look up the subject of coffee on Wikipedia or wherever, you’ll find that there are several varieties of the coffee plant (and hence coffee bean). It turns out that the types with the highest level of caffeine are actually the cheapest ones. That in turn may explain why McDonald’s coffee is usually voted as the best-tasting. And I always by the cheapest brands of coffee for my machine.

As for caffeine-induced insomnia -- I often fall asleep around 8 p.m. , but then wake up around midnight. A good time to write about coffee, and about how it sets us into the overdrive we’re always waiting for, which in turn is caused by fear, phobos, one of the moons of Mars. Of course we rarely admit to having fear -- only to loneliness, boredom, and fatigue, as if only fear were beneath our dignity. But would loneliness turn a person into a murderer?

Coffee works by increasing the effectiveness of the synaptic junctions, which are the meeting points of nerves. I used to think Synaptic Junction was a ghost town in northern Ontario. I guess not.

Most pro-coffee “news” articles are written by people working for the coffee industry. The same used to happen with tobacco, sugar, and other products -- suddenly we see “press releases” written by kindly, sober-minded people using vaguely academic language. And they get paid high salaries.

Anyway, as long as I don’t actually kill people and eat some of their flesh, I probably won’t get dragged away. Yes, there have been plenty of mornings when I’ve woken up thinking, “Oh, my God! I left a gnawed body out in the hallway. They’re going to take me away this time.” And then I realize it’s only a dream. So far.

Coffee is good for you. Coffee gives you something to live for. Coffee is as close as you’re likely to get to the meaning of life.